As I played with the words to share my decision, I realized this may be a very unpopular decision especially in our modern society with high value for career minded women. However I want to be very clear:
I am not JUST a stay at home mom.
I CHOOSE to be a stay at home mom.
We make sacrifices in our lifestyle that allow me to spend this time with our children and I wouldn’t want it any other way. You don’t have to understand it and it’s okay if you choose differently for your family and if you don’t have the choice, my heart goes out to you.
I don’t know about you but I process things better with details. I like to know the overall picture which gives me a better understanding so let’s rewind a bit.
My first few years of college, I worked in childcare and ultimately changed my major from nursing to education right when I was about to start the actual nursing program. I loved teaching and being there with these kiddos as they learned and discovered something new (I was an assistant pre-k teacher), I wanted to experience that beyond just a college job. Anyways, every once in a while, I would be asked to relieve one of the infant room workers for their lunch break. Playing with babies and experiencing their firsts - the heartbreak I felt for the moms, that was the moment I knew I WANTED to stay home with my future children.
You combine that experience with my experience of loss and little memory of just being with my parents, this drove my desire even more to be there for every moment with my children especially those early years.
Fast-forward, add some kids later and Anthony gets sick. Really sick. Our life is turned upside down trying to figure out what is going on. This experience takes me back to three year old Stormie who is about to turn four whose dad dies two weeks before her birthday. My daughter is two years old and in about two weeks (at that time) will turn three as her daddy is in the hospital with some unknown infection. The PTSD and anxiety was awful although I hid it very well from most.
Then we add on no income, unstable job situation for Anthony which leads to him being wrongfully terminated a few months later (he was on sick leave for 12 weeks). He found a new job a few weeks later and within a month back in the hospital with a different major infection.
Amidst this, I decided to return to nursing school because between education and nursing, it allowed the most flexible schedule for me to still be home with my kids during the day and work nights and weekends as needed whenever Anthony gets sick. Therefore I got registered to update a few pre-reqs.
Here we are a year later with everything done, prepared and ready to apply for my BSN program and I decided not to do it.
I cannot afford to miss anymore time with my kids while they are this little because I am driven by fear.
These past few weeks as I have dug in, I realized nursing school was my way to control and this backup plan I created became what I was putting my trust in instead of God. A good thing (a backup plan) turned into a god thing and that’s when I ultimately decided it was best to step back, refocus my trust and faith in God and His care for me whatever His plan may be in our life. This decision also allows me the freedom to truly enjoy this time I want to have with my children as they will only be this little once.
If I should have learned anything these past 3.5 years dealing with a layoff, selling our home, sickness, wrongful termination, and more sickness mixed with everything else on our plates in between, it is that God provides.
The people God has placed in our lives, this city we settled in as a compromise, the church we “randomly” found from a google search, was all preordained by God. If He provided for us through all those dark and murky waters, He will continue to provide for us no matter what the future looks like.
Therefore I am CHOOSING to stay home with my children and actively work on trusting God with the details.
I am not JUST a stay at home mom. It is my privilege and joy to spend the days with my babies. I want to soak up every moment with my favorite human beings and build memories that will last a lifetime.
I encourage you to rephrase the way you look at and speak about YOUR choices, whatever they may be, in a positive way. Don’t devalue yourself.
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